maybe im just incredibly mediocre and need to suck it up and prepare for a completely average life with routine and lack of fulfillment or meaning
hi it me writing another lengthy blogpost complaining abiut my life to an unknown amount of people that actually know me irl that i never gave access to my blog!!! how fun for me and 4 u!!
anway i just finished this 200 page book qbout transferring to universities and i cant win like i dont think i will be able to go to places i want bc of hs i have never been so discouraged like im about to cry and i havent even gotten rejected yet LOL
1. both mt grades and behavior in hs were intolerable like im going to have to write an essay on being suspended wich i feele like will automatically disqualify me from any reputable school and the goddamn thing happened like 6 years ago jfc why do they care now
2. i want to change mt major and im not emtirely sure what i want it to be i mean i can choose something im interested in but universities also value ecs and all my ecs arw journalism or animal related theyre gojng to be like ??????
im so fucking sick of my life just like what am i supposed to do!!! its going no where!!! there is nowhere for it to go i want to die
its crippling when ur in bed on a hot summer night thjnkjng and u realize in your 20 years of living you havent had a best friend or a group of friends or anyone that genuinely appreciated you
like i think about people in films or shows i watch with their little friend groups and im like is that even real??? does rhat happen???
and then i know its real bc people around me are in them and dont even appreciate it its somethjng people take for granted like every single day their friends
i dont know how to describe it its not like i want to “fit in” or something im not interested in molding myself to conform to some juvenile clique its just so weird when you honestly look at urself and youre pathetic is that the word?
i dont think im that terrible or annoying i wonder if im just incompatible and should settle for being alone my whole life